Communication is key in any relationship, but it can be especially challenging when one or both partners are Autistic or have ADHD. Here are some tips for improving communication with your Neurodivergent partner:

1. Be Clear and Direct

Neurodivergent folks often struggle with interpreting social cues and reading between the lines. To avoid confusion, be clear and direct in your communication. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

When asking a question, it can be helpful to start by giving the rationale or the “why” behind it. Neurodivergent brains are wonderfully creative, and while you may find the direction of your conversation to be clear, the autistic individual may interpret the situation differently, leading to a different outcome than intended.

For example, instead of simply asking if your partner wants to go out for a relaxing meal, you could say, “I noticed you had an exhausting week, and I want to show my support. Would you like to go out for a relaxing meal?” This approach provides a clear picture of the motivation behind the request. It also communicates additional information and affords additional considerations that the individual may take into account when deciding whether to accept the invitation.

2. Listen Carefully

Effective communication is a two-way street. Take the time to listen carefully to your partner when they speak and avoid interrupting or finishing their sentences for them.

Eye contact may not be thier cup of tea, but it is important to adopt a posture of genuine listening. People with autism may need more time to process information before speaking, while it is not uncommon for ADHD brain types to talk more globally through scenarios before reaching the main message. Pay attention to patterns of communication and ask clarifying questions when needed – it shows that you’re engaged, interested in what they have to say, and quickly creates a space to clear up any misscomunications or missunderstandings.

3. Be Patient

Being patient is key. Neurodivergent individuals may require additional time to process information, particularly when it comes to complex or emotionally charged topics. It’s important to be patient and allow your partner the time they need to process and respond. It is important to withstand the temptation to interpret motivations for these types of pauses inaccurately or unfairly (such as assuming that your partner doesn’t care, doesn’t agree, or isn’t showing love). More often than not, you will find that these pauses are just that – pauses to process. Communication can come more comfortably and accurately a bit later.

When having conversations that are likely to be emotionally charged or stressful, consider setting parameters for when the discussion will start and finish. No one likes to navigate what feels like an emotional landmine, unsure of when and how often difficult conversations will arise. It can be helpful to determine on the front end how long a given conversation will be and use a timer to keep this boundary. Conversations can reconvene as necessary, but the autistic partner is not forced to extend social energy in deciding how to make the discomfort end; it was predetermined.

Here’s an example: “We need to have a quick talk about our budget for next month and whether we can afford a vacation. Can we talk on Thursday evening for about 30 minutes to get this conversation going?” This way, any planning that may be needed can begin preemptively, and no one feels nagged or bombarded by chronic bits of stressful information and random questions.

4. Use Visual Aids

For those with neurodivergent brains, sorting through a large amount of information and perspectives to identify the main idea of a message can be challenging. Visual aids, such as written words, charts, tables, or outlines, can be immensely helpful in highlighting the most important information and saving time and energy. Even sharing a text message can provide a supportive visual aid during a conversation. Presenting the most relevant information visually can make it easier to understand the main idea of a message. This can be done informally by simply visually presenting the highlights.

5. Seek Professional Help

If you are having difficulty communicating with your neurodivergent partner, consider seeking the help of a professional. A therapist or counselor experienced in supporting people with a wide range of neurodivergent brains can work with you to provide useful strategies and techniques to improve communication with your special someone.

Improving communication with your neurodivergent partner may take time and effort, but it is worth it to build a stronger, healthier relationship. You chose to partner with someone with a unique and incredible brain, so taking the time and energy to work on communication will only enhance your world as you gain a deeper understanding of each other.